BLACK SHEEP

God banned suicides from his paradise--heaven, I wonder why. What is the difference between those people and others?  Are they any less kind and caring than others? Are they less responsible and sensible than others? Do they love their family and friends any less than any of the boring people? Do they not pay tax?

Some music are just like some people, they have the ability to dig into your heart, to tear up your mask, to melt you. When you hear someone’s voice, your heart starts to jump; when you listen to your music, your memories start to flow. You cant really remember everything about that someone special, but you know you will never forget them, just like you cant remember the lyrics, but you will always remember that song. And  many many many years later, when you hear the same melody again, you will remember how you felt today.

To those people whom I loved dearly in my life.

• You came into my life years ago, you left years ago, I cant even picture your face anymore, a pair of glasses, that is all.

• The same picture I kept in my memories for years. A cold winter afternoon, a warm cosy bedroom. We were lying on the bed, talking. The sun was out there, you had never been so close, you were right there.

• I cant really remember much about you anymore, I guess my brain just blocked that bit of memory, honestly we were not happy. But I always remember your favourite colour is blue.

• When I drink cappuccino, it just keeps reminding me you said this to me” why do you stir all the froth away? It’s the best bit”

My heart still hurts so badly very now and then. I just have to close my eyes to concentrate on breathing. It feels like any minette from now on I would just give up on everything.

The surrounding is so quiet; it’s so quiet that you could hear everything.

I love dogs, most people do I guess. We feel being trusted and needed around them,. When they are looking at you, you know that you are everything in their eyes right now. When they shake their tails by the time you walk into the door, you know they are happy to see you and they truly are.

Hey you my dear dear friends, you didn’t hear me wrong. That was what I said. I am not choosing to ruin my own life; I did not choose to go down that path. I think this is me, this is what I want. Please be supportive and please believe that I know what I am doing. If you never glow, you will never shine. I know it’s risky, but it’s the risk that am willing to take, even though it might hurt me in the end.

I don’t know if you ever felt bad at all when you lied to me. I am sorry but I do mind. I don’t think that's what a nice person should would or could do.

And you… sweet boy. I am sorry; I didn’t want you to get hurt, at least nt from me. . Nobody deserves to be hurt like that, especially you. I will never forgive myself if I am going to be the one who hurts you in that way. I truly hope that maybe one day you will understand and even agree with the decision I made today. I am sorry I cannot be with you, but it doesn’t make you any less important than any other people that I love dearly in my life. I have faith in you and care about you so much; I wish you life time happiness and find your soul mate. Please, please look after yourself. Hopefully someday you will be able to ring me up and say” hi Yang, how are you?” I would really love that. Everything we had, I will put it all in a box, and leave it in a corner of my heart. Please remember the good times we had and move on. I will have a big smile on my face next time I think of you, because… why not? Thank you so much my sweet heart, and I am terribly sorry for the things I am nt able to do or continue to do....The last thing… I wrote this one week ago but PLEASE…. Do it for me…let us just leave it like this.”We are different, but thank you... I wish you happiness and find the peace inside of you”

There are so many changes in my life right now; I find it’s a bit hard to cope. I still wake up one day and feel my heart is being teared apart again and I do not want to see anyone.

I’m not doing anything wrong, I am not. I don’t feel any shame; I refuse to be punished like silents of the lambs. Not by you.

I rang grandma the other day, she cried on the other side of the line, the other side of the world. I am so sorry. I felt my heart was being twisted and I could hardly breathe. I love grandma and miss her. I always tell ppl with pride and smile that I have a great family; I will do absolutely anything for them. I own them.

If you really miss me, just close your eyes, I am there. Turn your music on; I will be playing Sarah Brightman’s “Scarborough Fair” on my piano. Open a book, I will be reading “When we are old and gray” in front of wood fire. Sit in the sun; I will be taking a nap right next to you. Feel the grass as you touched my hands; take a sniff of the soil as you smelled my hair. Enjoy the every minette under the sun.

Can you hear that birds are singing in the sky, that’s where you will find me. Have you ever seen little children chasing each other; little dogs chasing them on grass, that’s where you will find me. Now that the spring is in the air; see that the flowers are everywhere, that’s where you will find me. Next time you cook, you will remember me; next time you order a cock tail you will remember me. If you miss me, please close your eyes, smile, I am there.

From tmrow; tmrow, I am really gona leave everything behind.

If one day you get married, plz remember 2 send me an invitation even though I wont go.

If one day I get married, I will send you mine as well even though I don't think I wd still know your address by then.

Up to now, I am already in tears. I close my eyes,  I can see the picture --- the same one I see every time I think of you: a half opened door, and the dust that’s floating in the sunlight.

Maybe years later we can be friends again.

Maybe we will run into each other on the street one-day, no need to say anything, just nod n smile.

Maybe from tmrow I have to forget it all, you are just gona b someone I know fr yrs ago.i dunno, I dunno.

Tmrow when I wake up, everything will be different, because I can finally say everything is in the past now. This time is absolutely EVERYTHING.

11:59pm… I am sitting here alone in front of my laptop wiz great sorrow in heart,tears in eyes.

12:00am… I am sitting here alone in front of my laptop wiz great sorrow in heart,tears in eyes.  ..also a smile on my face.

I have loved you and always will.

Knock on the door if you ever need any help, I will be there.

This is wot I want in life,at least this is wot I want for this holiday. Go to bed in mom n dad's arrms, n wake up wheneva I want, I get 2 decide wot I wana do today, relax n be myself.  Dad is taking me 2 all da places I want 2 go, mom is back n takin me out 4 shopping, I get 2 c grandma everyday, I get 2 see my cousins everyday. I walked arnd parks wiz cousins another day, TaiYuan is freezing! But we took couple of photos, we laughed n had fun, so wot da hell. I love them. I havent had this kind of feeling 4 ages: always wake up really early in the morning, wondering wot I should do today, wot I have to do tmrow; always have to clean up, always have to pleaze ppl, always have to be careful. Thats more like a real life there, I have to plan, I have to face lots of things on my own, I wd miss sumone terriblely as I know I am so close 2 them, they mite be just arnd this corner, but I will neva get 2 say hi. But here I am--home, I can forget all that crap, I dont need a mobile here, nobody can find me if I dont want them 2, I get to talk 2 my close friends n my wonderful family.This is a friend n family time, all I can feel is love n trust.I feel safe, I feel on the ground, I feel I am loved. I love this feeling, the quiet n innocent happiness inside me.

I've bn having dreams lately, dreams  bout  sum ppl, bout ppl I havent seen 4 ages, ppl I dont really wana remember. I got this odd mixed feelings in my stomach. I woke up in a terribly pain. How can I forget all this ppl, how cum I cant forget this ppl? Wish I cd grab them out of my dreams , give em a big hug n tell em how I have felt all these days n yrs. But I guess I cant. There r ppl u can never say I luv u to, n ppl u can neva  say I hate u to...It's a curse...How can I break it?

Hey lady, you lady,cursing at your life
You're a discontented mother and a regimented wife
I've no doubt you dream about the things you'll never do
But, I wish someone had talked to me like I wanna talk to you.....

Ooh I've been to Georgia and California and, anywhere I could run
I took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun
but I ran out of places and friendly faces
because I had to be free
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me...

Please lady, please, lady don't just walk away
'cause I have this need to tell you why I'm all alone today
I can see so much of me still living in your eyes
won't you share a part of a weary heart that has lived million lies.......

Ooh I've been to Niec and the Isle of Greece
while I've sipped champagne on a yacht
I've moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got
I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman ain't supposed to see.......
I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me.......

Hey, you know what paradise is? It's a lie. A fantasy we create about people and places as we'd like them to be.
But you know what truth is?
it's that little baby you're holding
it's that man you fought with this morning, the same one you're going to make love with tonight
that's truth, that's love.........

Sometimes I've been to crying for unborn children that might have made me complete
but I.....I took the sweet life
I never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet
I've spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free....
hey lady......
I've been to paradise......
but I've never been to me..........

Hey BuoBuo, I dont know wot 2 say 2 u my dearly beloved brother. We grew up together. We always spent holidays together, we fought wiz each other, we cd make each other laugh. This time I came back..I am so happy 2 see u growin up to be a fine young man.Surprisingly, I found that we have so much in common. I guess I should have known it, we used to share a same bed and go to same places together. I would like to let u know that how proud of me 2 have a brother like u. You are doing great in many ways, plz dont be scared by those little obstacles. In our life there r so many things we have 2 learn. Like I told u..For a real person, a person wiz heart n soul. If he has neva suffered from great pain n serious setbacks, how cd he understand the beauty n wonder of life? Follow ur dream,do not let anything vacillate u. Plz remember treat ppl like the way u want 2 be treated. Always keep love n hope in ur heart. Keep an open mind. If sumone is different fr u, it doesnt mean he is bad or wrong.Forget n forgive. Be nice 2 ladies, youngs n elders. Be polite. Manners matter. Plz do remember I will always be there 4 u. Our family will always b there 4 u. We love u. Plz look after urself n our family if u come bk on holiday, I will b waiting 4 u at the other side of the world.

1. I have bn back to uni for 2 weeks; I think I’d better put a full stop here. I didn't cry when I left China this time, well at least nt as bad as I cd be. I tried to not think about leaving. I tried to take it as this was another dream, then it was morning, I had to get up n go back to uni. Rang mom after I got back, she said she cried. After dropping me at the airpot, they went home to clean my bedroom. She cried in front of an empty bed.

2. I keep telling myself, I have got to let things go, there are some ppl that I should neva wait for. I promised myself, this is a new yr, do not look back. I thought I was doing great till I ran into u again. I cdnt look into your eyes, I was afraid my eyes mite tell the secrets that I have bn trying really hard to keep. I cdnt even smile at u and at that moment I knew I was lying to myself all this time. If I didn't hesitate to pick up the phone, if I didn't turn arnd when I saw you, if I didn't wonder how u gona get home in a very hot day, if I didn't feel that horrible pain when I closed my eyes, if I didn't fall into awfully silent every time I think of u, I guess I wdnt know I still cant let you go.

3. I remember that sleepless night when we sat by candle lights. Outside of the window, a world was made of snow. A million snowflakes whirled down.  I closed my window, stood by your side and listened to the music of silent winter night.

10/11/07

I wana remember that bottle of perfume,the quiet blue colour and the quiet blue smell.

I wana remember the colour of that lipstick,n the shape of your necklace.

I wana remember how I laughed my head off wen I watched Friends,n I cried my eyes out wen I finished the last page of that book. 

I wana remember a big tree in front of a lovely house,it has lots of leaves n lots of flowers.

I wana remember that firework I went to last yr,and I lost my flag on that day.

I wana remember the butterfly on the wall,the lemon in the tree.

I wana remember the smile, that light up the rest of my lousy day.

I wana remember that lill balcony when I drove pass another day, a BBQ was sitting up there silently.

I wana remember Avril Lavigne,Shakespeare,Rabindranath Tagore,Audrey Hepburn,Green Day,Sarah Brightman n Enya.

I wana remember how u looked straight into my eyes when u turned around to c me, that tells me ur a soft person inside.

I wana remember the feeling I had wen I 1st talked 2 u,I am sure I stoped breathing for 5 mins.I also wana remember it was a beautiful beautiful day.

I wana remember the song I listened 2 evry time I think of u. I wana remember how it made me cry.

I wana remember the moment I saw u and also a bird was diving in the sky.

I wana remember how they made me feel n wot they have taught me.

I wana remember your boots, your hair n your lill bag.

I wana remember how i promissed myself nevr give up on my faith and how I changed my faith.

I wana remember how much I have loved u, but nt any more, n how bad I feel bout it.

I wana remember evrythin b4 I forget them,I wana carve them in my heart n I wana rememebr why.

15/11/07

We can fall in love with someone with a simplest reason, he smiles when he is looking at sky; she is beautiful when she doesn’t talk. I love a pair of glasses; a watch with bubbly colour on it. And I love your teeth. They r simply different, they are special. I know I might have made another stupid decision, but hey guess what? That was exactly what I wanted at the moment. This was my choice again, if I get hurt again, u guys plz don’t forget to remind me what I said today. I am nt gona blame anyone but myself. That was my choice.

I admire those ppl with dreams, those who know wot they want in life and be able to stand up for themselves and follow the dream. I dont care wot others say, I asked myself, if someone likes Shakespeare… how bad can this person be?I don’t care how other ppl c me, I don’t care how others think of u, I know I would be more than happy 2 believe that u r a nice person and sensitive soul.

Dont wana sound like a nasty fuck cos I am sure not. But plz jst F off if u r gona judge me in a malicious way. I’d rather hurt myself than others, I cant do anything is only because I care too much, if u cant c that, I cd nt give a shit about what u say. But for those who really care bout me, I am most appreciative wen u guys start to worry about me. Thx 4 standing by my side n remind me the truth very now n then, thx for ur understanding n supports. Thx 4 lending me a shoulder 2 cry on.lol. Thx 4 evrything u have bn doing for me. But u tell me wot  I cd do at this stage? So please do not say anything any more, jst let me hide for a while, jst let me sit down 4 a while. After all, that is the person I love, and how can I blame the one I love?

I posted a card without an address, who is gona get this card and who is gonathrow it away n  tear it apart ? Life makes you wonder.

02/12/07

I cd nt sleep last nite, had 2 get up at 3am n got myself a drink. Jst wanted 2 chill,relax.

I am so tired lately,physically n mentally.I cant stop thinking,about ppl,about life,about you, about family,about myself. Dogs bark, so do ppl.Dogs bite, so do ppl.They betray ur trust, they twist the truth, they just wana win. Watched a cartoon called "Bronze",a heart broken story. When H looked at Q,he said" I was always alone, always standing by myself..till I met u"... "I didnt know I had so many tears in me...b4 I met u","I dont wana get hurt, but I dont wana leave u either." I didnt know I wd still be able to cry so much for such a simple reason, stupid reason,woteva u say...I didnt know I still cd nt act like a "grown up adult",I cd nt stop weeping jst as I cd nt stop thinkin. I cd nt help but feeling sad.I cd nt help wiz the tears running out, they ran out of my eyes...quietly..ran into my ears,into my mouth..bitter...They were ur secret lovers, whispering by ur ear and telling you how difficult life can be and how brave you have to be 2 deal wiz it. Got on the internet, sum mates were still up, they were supurised that I got on so late."wots wrong..tell me","nothing..really,just too hot." I am nt happy but wot can I say 2 u? and wot can we do? "Nothing...really"...but my heart...my heart hurts... 

Hav 2 say am really busy lately.Didnt hav time to cum here, and it takes too much my energy away while am writing this. I dont know wot to say most of time, so I thought i'd bettr shut up. lol.. Anyways, couple of things I need to tel yous.  But bcos things r happenin everyday (sighing..) so I think I will keep writing this one so u guys wil know wot da hell s goin on these days.( another sigh..)

1. Am still alive, nt dead yet,there was a reason I didnt update my blog.
2. I cut my fingure badly this wkend.... accidently.... I saw d blood running down all ova my hand, didnt know wot to do.
3. Have bn workin 3 nites a wk, I dont no y I do that. So much skool work 2 do lately.. diving me insane..sighin..
4. Am goin bk 2 China on 4th Dec & will never cum bk, I finally made my decision wot 2 do, and so gald I can go back 2 my family and stay wiz them 4 a while... ummm did I say never cum bk? lol.. Just kidding, wonderin how u ppl react, I will b bk by 17th Jan. So I am gonna stay wiz them 4 1 month and cum bk, but I am gonna miss this Chinese new yr again!
5. My computer's got virus again! I think I got it fr skool lib! this sux.
6. My auntie has gone 2 US, I think she arrives 2day. Wanna say"Look aft urself auntie, enjoy ur new life there, hope uncle, u n YiLing wil b happy there;plz remember where ur hm is; we, ur family, we always luv u, always wiz u, ALWAYS.
7. Happy bday 2 Ash, Mel,Ailan,Kyle & Cam. Ur beautiful friends. Luv yous. Y was everyone born in this Month?lol
8. My bday is cumin up, I am really stressed bout my age this yr. Am gettin old...
9. I had really nice bday. Went out wiz friends on fri nite, had lunch wiz sum of them and Ann on Sat, got really INTERESTING gifts.LOL..n gold earings fr Ann, I also got luvly presents fr mom. Went 2 Royal show on Sun n I saw Linda!!! She looked so cool. Caught up wiz other friends on Mon. Gee... I am a spoiled kid.
10. havnt done much study on this hols, which i really need to do. Instead I hav 2 wk 5 days this week!! This really sux. I dont know y i cant say no 2 ppl...n I hate exams..
11. Finished my exams, waiting 4 the final one cumin then i can go home. HOME.. where everyone knows ur name, where everyone luvs u.
12. I cant wait til end of exams, i cant wait 2 do wotever I want, after this yr, i kind of have new understanding of life n myself. I wanna write all of these down, i wanna know where i am now.

One tree stares at another, itching to become an axe.

One bird stares at another, willing to be a shotgun.

Battle in a war is childish comparing with the battle between people in their normal life.

Why would we get so crazy about getting to the top? When did we start to focus on those stupid stuff instead of our live? Where is our dream? What is what we have really wanted? Is it that important to get to the peak? Isnt the view on our way more beautiful than an endin point?!

People are always wantin 2 get on a higher mountain; Water is however, always runnin into lower places. But the top of the mountain is coldest area;it is the lowest place that gets the vastest ocean. Isnt it fascinatin?